Last night, (well actually it was Tuesday night) I got a little narky at S over him leaving just at the childrens’ bedtime. This meant that I was left with a crying baby and children that played around until I could get the baby to sleep.
I know I shouldn’t have but it gets to me. I forget that he gets much more tired than me. and I forget that he’s never had to put anyone before himself …ever.
To me parenthood is about foregoing what you want to do so the child(ren) can have the benefit of parents that put their children first. To make short term sacrifices for the long-term gain of a happy, healthy child.
I don’t want to sound bitter but he has already had over 20 years to go and enjoy his life and have these experiences. He’s had all that time to only think about himself and not have to put anyone before him. To be truly free to do what he chose to. On the other hand, I have spent the last 20 years, since I became an adult always putting other people first. Always sacrificing my health, food, sleep and even mental well-being for the benefit of others. Where he says that I’ll get my chance, it still hurts every time he goes out because it makes me feel as though I am back in my marriage. Where I am not important or have any rights to be happy.
I know I said that our lives were never meant to affect his and I’m still trying to keep to that. But there’s just sometimes that I need help from him and he’s already got plans that, in all reality, are not necessary to the raising of a happy and healthy little boy. Maybe I should just forget about the relationship altogether and just put in my mind that I am a single mum. Then I won’t get disappointed when he’s not available when I need him. The problem is he’s addictive. The more I have, the more I want. And I don’t want to get controlling or completely dependent upon him. I need to keep myself this time.
On another note, the mother issue has got slightly better with A19. She is now talking to him again, so he feels less discouraged about staying there. Me however, I still want to move away. Make a clean start and not have her dramas hanging over me anymore. The big problem though will be childrens’ therapy and appointments so I will have to be up in Perth most days still. Urgh.
What happened to the saying life wasn’t meant to be easy but is shouldn’t be this hard. Or maybe that was a song lyric…
Just put The Cure on to listen. I think I need that today.
I have put the first thing up for sale on gumtree and facebook. Still no response as of yet but hopefully soon. Might have to tweak the pricing to negotiable. In all reality, I got it free so even $25-$30 would be great. I am going to start on the business again too. I am sick and tired of the negativity about business from S. He has never really been in charge of running anything like that so can’t see that sometimes you have to wing it and step outside your comfort zones. I know he’s just being cautious, but I figure, I really have nothing to lose so why not? My house is mortgaged to the hilt almost and I live off Centrelink. If I can get the business where I want it, I am going to be thousands of times better off and I can’t rally lose something that I don’t own can I?
My goals have changed a little too. I have The Enchanted Realm & The Enchanted Tree Cafes in all major cities world-wide. I have Lydia T & Bram Dead Designs in select cities. Places like Perth are just dead unless things change and it becomes a more cosmopolitan place to live. I have my dream house. I have 100 investment properties in each suburb, growing exponentially. I have Once Upon A Time Costume Hire & Blue Moon Party Hire, again in every major city. Everything is under the blanket company Full Moon Enterprises Pty Ltd. Not forgetting either The Enchanted Forest Function Centre, chalets and B & Bs, again worldwide. This leads on to Ohana Foundation that gives the homeless opportunities to improve their lives. It supplies accommodation, support and counselling to homeless from all walks of life, gender and ages. There are youth hostels, shelters for both men and women escaping abuse with or without children. For singles and whole families that have lost everything due to life circumstances. The goal is to have zero homelessness by 2035. If we can do it sooner, that will be the best outcome. These places are in every suburb, in every country world-wide. The two things I have added though is, the first, a 100-300 acre plot of land in each rural suburb that is retained forest/ eco preserved area. The second is 100-300 acres for the land for each The Enchanted Forest. Each Centre, chalet and B & B are made from environmentally responsible products and method of construction, to minimise the eco-footprint, whilst still keeping the actual facilities five-star.I won’t ever stop building the business and keeping it growing as that is what will keep me young until S & I meet again.
Well, I better get back to building my empire.