I’m a little …I don’t really know.

Last night, (well actually it was Tuesday night) I got a little narky at S over him leaving just at the childrens’ bedtime. This meant that I was left with a crying baby and children that played around until I could get the baby to sleep.

I know I shouldn’t have but it gets to me. I forget that he gets much more tired than me. and I forget that he’s never had to put anyone before himself …ever.

To me parenthood is about foregoing what you want to do so the child(ren) can have the benefit of parents that put their children first. To make short term sacrifices for the long-term gain of a happy, healthy child.

I don’t want to sound bitter but he has already had over 20 years to go and enjoy his life and have these experiences. He’s had all that time to only think about himself and not have to put anyone before him. To be truly free to do what he chose to. On the other hand, I have spent the last 20 years, since I became an adult always putting other people first. Always sacrificing my health, food, sleep and even mental well-being for the benefit of others. Where he says that I’ll get my chance, it still hurts every time he goes out because it makes me feel as though I am back in my marriage. Where I am not important or have any rights to be happy.

I know I said that our lives were never meant to affect his and I’m still trying to keep to that. But there’s just sometimes that I need help from him and he’s already got plans that, in all reality, are not necessary to the raising of a happy and healthy little boy. Maybe I should just forget about the relationship altogether and just put in my mind that I am a single mum. Then I won’t get disappointed when he’s not available when I need him. The problem is he’s addictive. The more I have, the more I want. And I don’t want to get controlling or completely dependent upon him. I need to keep myself this time.

On another note, the mother issue has got slightly better with A19. She is now talking to him again, so he feels less discouraged about staying there. Me however, I still want to move away. Make a clean start and not have her dramas hanging over me anymore. The big problem though will be childrens’ therapy and appointments so I will have to be up in Perth most days still. Urgh.

What happened to the saying life wasn’t meant to be easy but is shouldn’t be this hard. Or maybe that was a song lyric…

Just put The Cure on to listen. I think I need that today.

I have put the first thing up for sale on gumtree and facebook. Still no response as of yet but hopefully soon. Might have to tweak the pricing to negotiable. In all reality, I got it free so even $25-$30 would be great. I am going to start on the business again too. I am sick and tired of the negativity about business from S. He has never really been in charge of running anything like that so can’t see that sometimes you have to wing it and step outside your comfort zones. I know he’s just being cautious, but I figure, I really have nothing to lose so why not? My house is mortgaged to the hilt almost and I live off Centrelink. If I can get the business where I want it, I am going to be thousands of times better off and I can’t rally lose something that I don’t own can I?

My goals have changed a little too. I have The Enchanted Realm & The Enchanted Tree Cafes in all major cities world-wide. I have Lydia T & Bram Dead Designs in select cities. Places like Perth are just dead unless things change and it becomes a more cosmopolitan place to live. I have my dream house. I have 100 investment properties in each suburb, growing exponentially. I have Once Upon A Time Costume Hire & Blue Moon Party Hire, again in every major city. Everything is under the blanket company Full Moon Enterprises Pty Ltd. Not forgetting either The Enchanted Forest Function Centre, chalets and B & Bs, again worldwide. This leads on to Ohana Foundation that gives the homeless opportunities to improve their lives. It supplies accommodation, support and counselling to homeless from all walks of life, gender and ages. There are youth hostels, shelters for both men and women escaping abuse with or without children. For singles and whole families that have lost everything due to life circumstances. The goal is to have zero homelessness by 2035. If we can do it sooner, that will be the best outcome. These places are in every suburb, in every country world-wide. The two things I have added though is, the first, a 100-300 acre plot of land in each rural suburb that is retained forest/ eco preserved area. The second is 100-300 acres for the land for each The Enchanted Forest. Each Centre, chalet and B & B are made from environmentally responsible products and method of construction, to minimise the eco-footprint, whilst still keeping the actual facilities five-star.I won’t ever stop building the business and keeping it growing as that is what will keep me young until S & I meet again.

Well, I better get back to building my empire.

Morrigan

Back to…

We have back to school tomorrow. I await the morning with trepidation due to A11’s reluctance to attend. I have tried and am trying everything in my right mind to encourage and support him to no avail.And without his carere tomorrow. I still don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing yet…she seems to be incapable of doing the job with him.
And naturally, he is till awake at 11:59pm. I have just been informed that the baby has woken. Back when I can.

False alarm. But at least it got me up and about so I have put a towel load of washing on and the clothes that were in the machine in the dryer.

I really need to get some cash happening here. I also need to get this business running properly this year or else they’ll cancel my ABN again. I need to contact ink station again to organise the replacement of these cartridges.
And I need chocolate.

I realise how much I have let this house turn to shit at the moment. I need to start getting on top of things again. But with the crap that happened on the weekend I am on the slippery path downhill again.

Let me tell you what happened.

We had NT6’s Frozen birthday party for her friends from school. She invited 15 children, 10 girls and 5 boys. 5 RSPV’d, 4 boys and 1 girl. We had the creche from the Wellard community centre booked for it so it wasn’t a cheap party. So to get the numbers up I invited my brother’s two children (well actually, I mentioned the party to my brother and felt obliged to invite them, despite it meant to be only N6’s friends). We also invited a neighbour’s three children (who were unable to attend). Also one of NT17’s friend’s nieces were invited (ended up unable to attend). NT6 also wanted one of her old school friends there. So Initial estimates 15 (school) + 3 (my girls) + 2 (brother’s children) + 3 (neighbours) +1 (old school friend) = 24. Where I was really panicking as the centre is only licensed to accommodate 18 children. After the lack of responses from the school children I realised that we would be really having this (hopefully) grand party for less children (thankfully in the end). So in order to increase the benefit (me spending money on so much food that would have gone to waste) I let NT17 invite her friend’s nieces and the carer from last year’s girl (who is 5). I didn’t expect gifts from anyone and told people not to, I simply wanted bums on seats to make her birthday a really good one.

Because however, I didn’t invite my mother, citing the fact that she has been sick (she said she was feeling unwell, not sick…my bad) and well it was a party for my child’s friends to attend, not to mention I had no idea if we could even all fit in the room and if there was seating, then I am a lying bitch who doesn’t deserve anything and who left her mother out of her child’s party. In hindsight, had I invited her, she would have spent the time complaining about not having anywhere to sit and telling everyone about my separation and how badly she was affected by it. Not to mention yelling at the autistic children because they did something that she didn’t approve of. More stress for me to deal with on top of an already stressed, sleep-deprived day. So now she has told A19 that if she ever accepts my apology for not inviting her, she will never babysit the children for free for me again.

I cannot sleep because of this and am feeling like I am in the wrong. Add to that mix that I have anxiety and depression, a pretty nasty mix all around. All I want to do is move away from everyone. I would gladly go a couple of hours drive away to get away from it all now. Why should it be like this? I have never tried to bring her down and didn’t mean to this time, I just wanted NT6 to have a day that she could enjoy. Maybe I am just expecting too much.

I am looking at other streams of income too. Perhaps growing fruit & veg. I have started making the envelopes for the children’s pots too.
It’s now four twenty in the morning and I am yet to have slept. I know I should but I just cannot relax enough.

I guess I shall try…

Well…

I am finally starting to get this house sorted out. I have given up trying to do too much at once, as in the past, all that has done is to overwhelm me to the extent that everything is too difficult to even begin.
So instead, I have picked one big job/ one room per day, so I am taking baby-ish steps. So far it’s working out better.
Today was an extremely tiring one. I have been run down from the court paperwork and feeling less than enthusiastic about…life in general. I am feeling, I know this seems unfair, but like I am just an option at times. That I am convenient when S wants to go out, I will take him to and from the train station, he gets a place to stay that’s easier and quicker to get to and from work.
Maybe that’s just years of bitter disappointment when I really wanted to do something and/or go somewhere and I was never allowed to…it was always where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do. That’s if I was even allowed to go (thinking back to all the times he took Simone out for dinner, etc). I just don’t want to be the one left behind anymore. The one who has not experienced things because I was never good enough to take out, or too fat, ugly, embarrassing to be seen in public with. Yes, I may not understand everything that is going on, and yes, I do get anxious around lots of people but it’s nice to experience it.
I know S thinks he’s going to see things because he’s seeing if it’s worthwhile for me to go to. But in all reality, he’s going because he wants to go. I am really never going to get to go to these experiences, I’m not stupid and can see what life holds for me. I’m being realistic. And unfortunately reality hurts.
S has spent his whole life now knowing if each day will be his last and has lived his life to the full. I have spent my life oppressed and repressed to such an extent that even if I did have a chance to truly enjoy life, then I would be too scared to go after my wishes and desires. Too scared that I will make a fool of myself, the people that I went with. I am a coward, afraid of ever expanding my wings to even try to fly. An so I will sit in my little nest, crying to myself, getting angry and feeling hurt that everyone else gets more of a chance to live life, and you know what? I truly believe that I will die before I ever get close to experiencing these wonders, that everyone else takes for granted. And so my life will just be a waste.

Morrigan.

Good morning?

It’s 1:22am. I don’t think you can call this a reasonable time of day. So far this morning (since midnight) I have locked myself out the house, filled the car with fuel, attempted to climb the fence to break into my own home, woken NT9 up to let me back in, put the court paperwork away in a couple of display books (not in sequential order however) and ate chocolate.

I know I really need to get these orders done, however my brain is becoming fried.

File is now sorted correctly (2:30am). I have told S that I am going to bed…about an hour ago. He doesn’t seem to get that this is the only time I can work without interruption.

And because of that, I can concentrate much better at this time. Hell I even want to start writing on my book again right now (But I know it won’t help the case).

Still working on the documents. It’s getting difficult to fine tune everything. It’s now 4:52am and I’m starting to feel tired though know that the children have overtaken my bed. I know I need sleep though and soon or else I’m going to be absolutely shot for the day.

How can I relax though when I know everything that has to be done?

So I managed about 2 1/2 hours sleep this morning.

Got my bedroom and bathroom floors cleaned. Front halls are mopped. Baby is asleep, Tea is in the oven and a load of dishes are done. I have messaged my Aunt to see if she could still do Lilly’s cake in time. I will book the venue tomorrow after this court case and start prepping up the stuff that I have. I must get a load of washing in the machine before Denisa gets home but my back is killing me today.

 

 

Another day

Another day on the road today. The last of the document. I hope I have them done properly, if not, well good luck to me.

Update for the day: I stuffed up massively. The affidavit information needed to be on the case information affidavit. Then I needed to draw up new interim consent orders. Completely forgot about that. Lastly the case information affidavit needed a back page that didn’t print out properly. I just cannot win it today.

When I got back to mum’s to pick the children up, A4 had a meltdown because she couldn’t sit where she wanted. That lasted from 6:30 until 9 today. With screaming and crap. This is when I remember that she has Autism.

Now to start redoing everything that I had done up. ūüė¶

Morrigan.

Drama over?

Well I did go back on Facebook… to block her. And it looks like she has unfriended me. Oh well. Not a great loss there.

I still couldn’t sleep last night so penned a reply to her:

Sue,

I am sorry that I couldn’t respond instantly to your message and defend myself, Friday night. I couldn’t see it at all on my phone as I currently have a temporary one which is an old cheapo and doesn’t work properly. I didn’t have access to the computer at the time either.

Now I have thought long and hard about the way to reply about your comments about me.

I could come back as nasty as you were and dragged mud around like you did. I could be overly polite and accept the abuse from you as I did in the 20 years of my marriage, before I met your brother. I could state the facts as well as I know the. I will try to be rational, considering that I was left so upset that I could not sleep properly since.

Rusty is a gorgeous dog, don’t get me wrong. He always comes up for a pat and laps it up. I am not a dog hater in the slightest. I have tried to let both him & Sharni smell Damian and see what the “thing” (as you put it) is. I know that helps dogs settle in with a new baby as that is what I did when my first child was born with our Rottweiler. Your mum however, has been more discouraging to he dogs.

I never once said that Rusty was left unattended with Damain. The first time he snapped at Damian (his hand) ¬†I was sitting on the couch right beside him as I had just finished changing his nappy. Stephen was standing beside Rusty and the couch. Damian had started screaming and Rusty was getting distressed at this somehow (as he is deaf, I am unsure). The second time Rusty snapped at Damian’s foot when your Dad was holding him – the last time we were there just before Easter. You remember, the time you stormed off and again (unbeknownst to you) left me upset thinking that I had done something wrong. When you got snappy just after I pulled up, I nearly started crying and felt that I shouldn’t have gone there at all. I found out after the day that you had a surprise for the children, and yes I know we were a day earlier than we said that we’d be, but unfortunately, in a family our size, plans can change at a moment’s notice.

I’m sorry.

I am also sorry that I don’t understand the enormity of the responsibility of having two dogs. After all, there’s the food to buy and the fact that you have to walk them everyday, and of course the vet bills that you need to allocate for the times they get sick and require their vaccinations. I’m sure that by being the¬†responsible pet owner you are, means that you’re a very good mum to them and don’t let them wander off and get lost. I can only say what I know from having seven children, three of them as you know with Autism.

I’m sorry.

Unfortunately we have had illness in the house for the last week with Denisa having a gastro complaint and myself a sore throat and sniffles.And with your Dad still recuperating from being sick from the cruise, I thought it would be prudent to keep any illness away and enable him to heal properly without any further complications.

I’m sorry.

Unfortunately, I have also been flat out for the last few weeks, preparing documents and attending dates as a self-represented respondent in both property and parenting matters in the family court. Having two hearings in two weeks has left me exhausted, especially being up until 1am-2am most mornings preparing the documents, and then getting up again between 6am & 7am to start the day with the children, then finally, driving all day to and from appointments and so forth.

I’m sorry.

I will also apologise for inconveniencing you with Damian & my absence as I am “On call” from the primary school that Adrian attend as they have him on a staggered attendance because of his Autism and other co-morbidities (other things wrong with him).

But by all mean, let the whole discussion be about me  keeping Damian away so that you are spared the heartache of putting Rusty down if and when he finally bites Damian. Twice we have been lucky but as you know, sooner or later you will get caught out and your luck will run out. Let it be about me sparing your family from the emotional trauma that comes from losing their son & brother, now that you have him back, because his baby boy had been hurt by a completely preventable incident.

I am sorry but that is how I feel.

Please feel free to correct me on Facebook where I cannot defend myself again, as I thought that I was being a responsible parent in this matter and acting in everyone’s best interests, but obviously, having two dogs, you know much more on these matters than I do.

Kind regards,

P.S. I’m not even going to mention your lifestyle choices that could¬†be contributing to the stress that you may be feeling.

And for the record, I’m refusing to be intimidated and manipulated by words and actions.

 

Now that is off my chest, I am hoping sincerely, that I may be able to sleep tonight. Shame she has blocked me/ unfriended me. I would love to see her response back.

For now,

 

Morrigan

 

I

I really don’t know how to start today. It has been a week from hell. Monday I was informed that my ex wishes to gain sole custody of our children and stills wants the house sold and cash payment of over $23,000.

Tuesday NT17 came down ill and started the house being sick.

Wednesday I felt god awful, despite being out on the road all the day.

Thursday was another day on the road. Nothing done in the house and exhaustion setting in from being up all nights to complete these documents.

Today, I failed to file the court documents and now S’s sister is blowing me out on Facebook over not letting D0 be around them. I am going to leave him with them, and walk away. I can’t do this shit anymore. Not when she’s so hell bent on tearing that family apart. Let them raise him the way they want. I give up. I have enough battles of my own to fight without having to take on her .

Please just let me get through the night.

Merry meet, and merry part and merry meet again.

 

A nigh time for emotions pt2

I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing. We were basically told that today was a waste of time and we couldn’t do anything about property orders. Only because he is going to try to get full-custody of the children…all of them.

He’s going to try to break me again. Is it not enough that I gave up a baby by termination and any hope of my career for him? Obviously not. He wants to take the things that mean the most to me, my reason for living, away. All because I had Stephen’s baby and didn’t kill him and go back ¬†when he wanted me to. Because I learned that what I was teaching my children by staying was not the things that would let them grow into responsible, capable adults. That’s if any of the younger ones would make it into adulthood.

Not once while we were together did he care in the slightest about my dreams and goals.

Not once did he stop and think that what he was doing was even the slightest bit wrong.

NT17 had told me well before we left that we were not safe here with him. A19 had tried so many times to end his life and all I could do is just keep cutting him down.

He has no idea what it feels like to cut your child down from trying to hang themselves. Because for years, his father has called him a douchebag, has kicked him out several times and and taken on a relationship that was as abusive as the one his father modelled for him.

To help your child stop the bleeding on her legs, arms and body so that her father does not see and ridicule her.Because she had been told for years that she was got from Bunnings, aisle 2 and had come to believe she was adopted. Who had also taken on an abusive relationship because of the negative role modelling.

To hold your child down screaming and flailing because he doesn’t understand how to express¬†feeling unloved and unwanted in the house and you have just dragged him back to the place he feels the most unsafe, after running away for the umpteenth time. Because he was scared of being punched by his father again, of having to put himself in the way of his father hitting his little sisters so that they didn’t get hurt as much. To be threatened so that he wouldn’t tell and could then have the vicious cycle broken for him.

To reassure your child that people do love her and that running away is never an option for an eight year old. Because her father used to hit her with a belt buckle for not going to sleep when it was demanded of her. To wake up exhausted from the nightmares every single morning.

To promise your child that you would never let her father kill her baby half brother because he had threatened to do so in front of her. To assure her that mummy would be safe and that daddy wasn’t going to kill mummy.

To deal with constant screaming and excessive clinginess from your child because she can’t talk and explain what she was feeling. Was she getting hurt by her father too? Words from other children say yes.

And apparently I’m doing a bad job, according to him.

All I wanted was out. To be rid of the constant talking in my head that I wasn’t good/ smart/ pretty/ thin enough. The feelings of worthlessness that came from that. The constant blame for things gone wrong/overspending/business failing/ the stress levels he was under/for procreating.

I want to let  it all go. To get rid of all the negativity, all the crap and all the emotions that came from the marriage.

But now I have been told that we don’t get a court date until April next year. A whole year of waiting and carrying around the baggage from twenty years of abuse through the marriage. I can’t do it. I need to be able to move on with the children. To help them heal and become happy again. To be happy myself. I don’t want to be grieving over lost babies and dreams anymore. I want to be living my own life, making my own mistakes, smiling genuine smiles because I am living my life how I want.

 

 

Today will be

Me thinks it is going to be a busy day today. I have Adi at school (I hope) from 8:30-9:30. I will get to the library and print out some of the things I need, afterwards (or before) get fuel in the car for the trip up to Perth & Welshpool. Then go collect Adi again.

I will have to go straight up to the family court and get these forms lodged and then pick up the auction lots. On the way back down, collect the girls for their appointment with Mary. Then do that and collect A4 from Kindy.

After school we’ll do homework then head back down to Rockingham to Collect NT17 from work. Come home and cook tea, get working on the children’s orders for the next court case on the 13th. I will be glad when it is all over and done.

I will need to extensively audit these bank accounts this weekend (and find the ink to print everything out. On top of Bunnings and Amy’s musical theatre (which after last night I don’t think he’ll be supporting her anymore) I’m set for a busy one.

I would just like a day where I can do something for me, or the business anyway.

Am I really expecting too much?

 

 

Sleep is for…

People who are not like me???

It was the first real blow up tonight where I had to choose to defend my child over the relationship. It has been the first time in many, many years that I have been able to do that. It’s just now, I feel hollow inside. This is very much outside my comfort zone. It doesn’t help though that I have been so very busy trying to get these court document done on time to find that they are not really needed at the current moment in time.

Tonight I feel as though, even badly needing to do the current document, that if I don’t get some sleep, that life is just going to fall apart around me.

So I will sign off for tonight (at least for now).

Morrigan